Fun with Stuff Humor Column

		Fun with Stuff: the book, a collection of fifty favorite columns, is available at Amazon and at BarnesandNoble.com.

Fun with Stuff is the winner of the national American Mensa award for humor.
It was published monthly in the I.E., a publication of Southern California Mensa, from 2000 through 2011.

Past columns		The Final Column
Month	Topic	I’m sorry to say that this is the final installment of Fun with Stuff to appear in the I.E., as well as online here at bruceAsmith.com. The column has been going since September of 2000, and throughout the years I have worked with a number of great editors, including Lynda Kay, Sonja Struthers, and, of course, Tom Pigeon. I want to thank all of you who have supported the column throughout these eleven years. I appreciate all the kind words and great feedback. For the final installment, I thought I’d share a number of quotes and excerpts that I always wanted to include in a column, but they just never quite fit. Here we go: “Professor! We’re registering a tremor in the southeast!” the student announced as he ran though the doorway. The professor looked up from his work at the Cal Tech seismology lab. “Let’s see what you’ve got.” He followed the student into the adjoining room where the bar on the seismograph jerked back and forth across the machine in wide swaths, while nearby, a panel of instruments recorded numbers. “Location?” the professor asked. “Riverside.” “Oh,” the professor said, the excitement draining from his voice. “I’ll bet it’s the Smith’s washing machine again. It must be on the spin cycle.” *** You know that feeling where you think that life just can’t get any better and then it suddenly does? Neither do I. *** As the treasurer for the Inland Empire Regional Gathering, I went in to the bank to deposit some checks. In the process, the teller asked me what Mensa was. I told her that it was a society for people with high IQs, which caused her to go into a fit of the giggles. When she finished laughing, she explained, “My husband will think that’s it’s hilarious that I wasn’t even smart enough to know Mensa was.” Nice, I thought. You guys must have a swell relationship. Should I bother explaining the difference between intelligence and knowledge? Nah. *** “How come everything in your refrigerator is green?” “What do you mean?” “Well, there’s an unripe banana, an avocado, and some mint & chip ice cream.” “Oh. Those have been there for a while. What you’re looking at is actually a stick of string cheese, an orange, and a cup of cottage cheese.” * Instead of encouraging everyone to vote, we should only encourage the smart people to vote. To everyone else, we should say, “You know what? It’s okay if you don’t vote. Relax. Take the day off. We’ve got it handled.” * I never had children of my own, but that’s probably a good thing, because if I had a daughter, I would name her something like Sequel. Sequel Smith. Or possibly, Bruce Smith: The Daughter. And, of course, if I had a son, I would name him “Thexdenander, Lord High Ruler of the Land of the Bean Pods.” * If a woman pointed a gun at me, I might say, “Well, it’s a tough world; a woman’s got to protect herself. Plus, it’s kinda sexy.” But if a man pointed a gun at me, I’d be like, “Okay, this guy has gotta go.” * “You’re a #$!!@!,” he said. “Oh yeah,” I answered. “Well, you’re an ampersand.” * I threw a French fry out the window and Sharron gave me a look. “What?” I said. “It's biodegradable. Now, if I threw a chicken McNugget out of the window, that would be different.” * Ted and Denise don’t have much chemistry; it’s more like… physics. * Are you afraid of flying? Are you nervous about riding in your car? Does going to a restaurant make you jittery? How about hotels? Do they scare you? If so, you may be suffering from MSP: Media Suggested Paranoia. * Do you ever wonder how many touchdowns LeBron James has made? Do you think a field goal has something to do with Farmville? Does the fact that the New York Yankees never won a Super Bowl surprise you? If your answer to any of these questions is yes, then you are invited to the “Guys-Who-Really-Don't-Care-About-Football-but-are-Still-Secure-in-Their-Masculinity-Super Bowl Party.” We won’t be watching the game. * “You need a timing belt,” the mechanic said. “Are you sure? I thought the problem was…” “Oh wait!” he said, interrupting me. “I’m sorry. You had the Corolla, not the Camry. You need a new engine. Oh, and a radiator.” “Ah,” I answered. “Now that’s sounds like my car.” * “Life goes on.” “Really? I thought it was the beat that goes on.” *** Today’s weather report was made possible by the Live Doppler Mega 7000 Super Duper Extra Extravaganza Flapdoodle Gadget Thingamabob Weather Monitor Deluxe System. Thank you for joining us. My 2005 "carpet" column was more recently reprinted (by permission) in Dignity Magazine, a publication based in Mumbai, India. However, they took some liberties with it. Among other things, they changed Sharron's name to Snehal. If you want a good laugh, compare the original column found in the Fun with Stuff book to the reprint, which can be found here. If you like my column, you might also like Ernie's World, by Ernie Witham. Visit it at: www.erniesworld.com
Dec 2011	The Food Trilogy, Part III
Nov 2011	The Food Trilogy, Part II
Oct 2011	The Food Trilogy, Part I
Sep 2011	Different Views
Aug 2011	Tips for the Homeless
Jul 2011	My Bark is Worse than my Bit
Jun 2011	Pachyderm!
May 2011	Spyness
Apr 2011	Why the Caged Elephant Sings
Mar 2011	In Stitches
Feb 2011	Miss Diagnosis
Jan 2011	Happy New Year!
Dec 2010	Beer and Boating in Las Vegas
Nov 2010	The Quest for the Wooden Owl
Oct 2010	Snorting Etcetera
Sep 2010	Drugs
Aug 2010	Choices
Jul 2010	The American Idol Finale
Jun 2010	Pinocchio's Unethical Voyage
May 2010	How We Met
Apr 2010	Clams
Mar 2010	I am not Dave Barry
Feb 2010	The Geek Squad
Jan 2010	The Dishwasher
Dec 2009	Nothing But the Tooth
Nov 2009	Your Receipt
Oct 2009	Salami & Cheese
Sep 2009	Coming Home
Aug 2009	The Air Conditioner, Part 2 of 2
Jul 2009	The Air Conditioner, Part 1 of 2
Jun 2009	Delays
May 2009	The Trailer
Apr 2009	Your Guess is as Good as Mine
Mar 2009	Displaced
Sep 2008	The Twelve Steps of Being a Writer
Aug 2008	Trouble in Store in the Store
Jun 2008	When I was a Kid
Apr 2008	The Car and the Cats
Mar 2008	American Addled
Feb 2008	Dr. Ratari
Jan 2008	Fifteen More Rooms
*Looking for past favorites? If they're not here, they may be in the Fun with Stuff* book.**