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Fun with Stuff is printed monthly in the "I.E.," a publication of Inland Empire Mensa and has been nominated for several National PRP (Publication Recognition Program) awards. |   |
| Month | Topic | There was a wet spot on the carpet. Our granddaughter Avery was the immediate suspect. Only a week before, she had lied to her father about spilling something in their own home. “I didn’t do it!” Avery insisted. But no one believed her. I had her get some paper towels to help me clean up the mess. They became sopping wet immediately, so I had her get a couple more. And then several more. “That must have been one big cup of water,” I declared as Avery brought me yet another load of paper towels. I noticed that the water had spread to the edge of the carpet, right under the furnace closet where the air conditioning was. Curious, I looked inside to find a dripping pipe. “Uh,” I said to my wife. “I think we owe Avery an apology.” Everyone apologized to Avery except for her sister who thought she deserved it anyway. Sharron called the homeowners insurance, who in turned called the air conditioner repair people. They operate on a “cable guy” schedule, so they agreed to show up between 9 am on Thursday and the following September. When the repairman did arrive, he blew out the air conditioner’s drainage pipe, leaving a pile of rust where the pipe dumps out at the side of the house. Then, without further testing, he announced that the A/C was fixed and left. A half hour later, I noticed that the house was getting warmer instead of cooler. The following is a misrepresentation of the conversation between Sharron and myself: Me: Hmmn. When an air conditioner is working, aren’t things supposed to become cooler instead of hotter? Sharron: Yes, my dear, I believe it is. Perhaps you should investigate further. The actual conversation did not go that way. There was no sense of intellectual detachment— no calm and polite discussion. The language we used was, shall we say, more heated. I opened up the cabinet to discover that the leak from the pipe had gotten worse. Sharron called the repairman back. When he arrived that evening, he seemed angry. He was clearly determined to make us pay for our insolent behavior. He accomplished this goal by declaring that we needed a new evaporator coil installed. It would cost $500 and wasn’t covered by the insurance. Reluctantly, we agreed to have it done. A week and a half later, when the repairmen removed the old coil, I got a good look at it and decided that we had made a good decision. The coil was so covered in rust that it looked like a cinnamon roll. I was not so pleased, however, with the repairman’s level of customer service. Here is a partial list of things that bothered me about it. Sadly, none of these are made up: • He reprimanded me for running the air conditioning while it had a leak. • He spent about fifteen minutes talking to his significant other on the phone. • He left footprints all over our entryway and fingerprints all over the furnace cabinet. • He left the insulation from the old coil casing lying in the furnace cabinet and a pile of rust on the driveway. • He left the casing for the new coil by the trashcan, and when his assistant asked if they should take it with them, he said (this is an exact quote), “No, let them keep it as a souvenir.” Not a bad idea, I thought, maybe I can take a blowtorch to it and create a sculpture called, “The day the idiots were here.” I could have lived with all that, except for one thing. After the repair, the air conditioning still wasn’t cooling the house. The house was getting hotter. As you will recall from an earlier discussion, this is not, I believe, how an air conditioner should work. I could be wrong, but I get this information from some pretty reliable sources. When we called the repair company back, I was relieved to find out that the owner of the company was going to come out to take a look at the A/C. What a relief! Now, I could be sure that I was talking to someone who knew what they were doing, and maybe I could express some of my concerns about his repairman’s performance. Finally, I thought. Now we’re going to get something done. One solid week of sweltering heat later, the owner arrived with his assistant. He walked to our A/C unit, turned it on, and immediately announced that it was working just like it should. Maybe he was right. We could have been mistaken. Maybe Sharron and I were undergoing some kind of hitherto unknown spontaneous and simultaneous menopause that made us think the house was hot when, actually, it was cool. The shop owner and his assistant went out to look at the air conditioning unit on the patio. I went into the computer room for a minute and returned to find that the shop owner had left! He was already out in his truck, revving up the engine. The assistant was standing in the kitchen with his hand under a vent. “Okay!” he announced. “Call us back if you have any problems.” He inched toward the front door. I stopped him. “Uh, exactly what did you guys do?” They had added Freon and fixed replaced a “run cap.” The assistant speculated that this might have been the source of the problem, but he didn’t seem too confident. Why don’t they stick around to see if the air conditioner is working? I wondered as they drove off. After they left, it only took me fifteen minutes to figure out that it wasn’t. Or maybe I was having hot flashes again. Of course, I knew that if we called the air conditioner company back, they’d come right out and fix everything in a jiffy. Skeptical? Maybe you have a right to be. Maybe you noticed that this column is subtitled, “Part 1.” Oh, but that’s probably just because I have so many good things to say about what happened next, right? Find out next month in “The Terrible, Awful, Miserable, and Emotionally Exhausting Adventure We had with Incompetent Air Conditioner Repairmen Who have No Integrity (Part 2).” 
My 2005 "carpet" column was more recently reprinted (by permission) in Dignity Magazine, a publication based in Mumbai, India. However, they took some liberties with it. Among other things, they changed Sharron's name to Snehal. If you want a good laugh, compare the original column to the reprint, which can be found here.
If you like my column, you might also like Ernie's World, by Ernie Witham. Visit it at: www.erniesworld.com |
| June 2009 | Delays | |
| May 2009 | The Trailer | |
| Apr 2009 | Your Guess is as Good as Mine | |
| Mar 2009 | Displaced | |
| Feb 2009 | Dating Myself | |
| Sep 2008 | The Twelve Steps of Being a Writer | |
| Aug 2008 | Trouble in Store in the Store | |
| Jul 2008 | Five Sides to Every Story | |
| Jun 2008 | When I was a Kid | |
| May 2008 | How to Use this Column | |
| Apr 2008 | The Car and the Cats | |
| Mar 2008 | American Addled | |
| Feb 2008 | Dr. Ratari | |
| Jan 2008 | Fifteen More Rooms | |
| Dec 2007 | Schooling the Pirate | |
| Nov 2007 | The Candle Gang | |
| Oct 2007 | Nuttysystems | |
| Sep 2007 | A Sinking Feeling | |
| Aug 2007 | Problems with this Column | |
| Jul 2007 | Tired | |
| Jun 2007 | Fine Dining | |
| May 2007 | Still Running | |
| Apr 2007 | Patty Melts | |
| Mar 2007 | Medicalitis | |
| Feb 2007 | The Prophecies of Nostril Dumbass | |
| Dec 2006 | X-rayted | |
| Nov 2006 | High Speed Incompetence | |
| Oct 2006 | The Black Nine | |
| Sep 2006 | Quickly Moving Slowly | |
| Aug 2006 | The Trip | |
| Jul 2006 | That's a Medium? | |
| Jun 2006 | Coprolite | |
| May 2006 | Searching for Satellite | |
| Apr 2006 | Fun with the TSA | |
| Mar 2006 | Phased Out | |
| Feb 2006 | News Flash: Man Found Not to Have His Own DNA! | |
| Jan 2006 | Plan B | |
| Dec 2005 | The Christmas Spit | |
| Nov 2005 | Reigning Cats and Dogs | |
| Oct 2005 | DeodoRant | |
| Sep 2005 | The Aquarium of the Pacific | |
| Aug 2005 | Mr. and Mrs. Smith | |
| Jul 2005 | Disneyline | |
| Jun 2005 | Multitasking | |
| Apr, May 2005 | The Carpet | |
| Mar 2005 | The Dentist | |
| Feb 2005 | You, Too, Can Be Famous | |
| Jan 2005 | Finding Things | |
| Dec 2004 | The Last of Christmas | |
| Oct, Nov 2004 | Medieval Dimes | |
| Sep 2004 | The Gourmet Detective | |
| Aug 2004 | Troyball | |
| Jul 2004 | The Real Me | |
| Jun 2004 | A Day Off | |
| May 2004 | The PS2 and Us | |
| Apr 2004 | A Taxing Situation | |
| Feb 2004 | I Woke Up for This? | |
| Jan 2004 | Mystery Dinner Theater | |
| Oct 2003 | The Grand Canyon | |
| Sep 2003 | Champions on Crack | |
| Aug 2003 | The Summer of All Bruce | |
| Jul 2003 | Communications | |
| Jun 2003 | Technical Difficulties | |
| May 2003 | Cinco de Whatever | |
| Apr 2003 | The Cat | |
| Mar 2003 | The House | |
| Feb 2003 | The Frog God of Love | |
| Jan 2003 | The Zipper Incident | |
| Dec 2002 | You Won't Believe It! | |
| Nov 2002 | Comedy Traffic School | |
| Oct 2002 | Temecula, The Land of Temptation | |
| Sep 2002 | The Wreckreational Vehicle | |
| Aug 2002 | The Summer of All Movies | |
| Jul 2002 | The Renaissance Unfair | |
| Jun 2002 | Crazy Water | |
| May 2002 | The Mold Patrol | |
| Mar 2002 | Profundity | |
| Feb 2002 | The Phone Company | |
| Jan 2002 | The Shape of Things | |
| Dec 2001 | Are You a Space Alien? | |
| Nov 2001 | The Psychologist | |
| Oct 2001 | How I Spent My Summer Vacation | |
| Sep 2001 | Something to Write About | |
| Aug 2001 | Controversy | |
| Jul 2001 | The Doctor | |
| Jun 2001 | Bank to the Future | |
| May 2001 | Dividing by Zero | |
| Apr 2001 | ||
| Mar 2001 | Harry Potter | |
| Feb 2001 | Duhsa | |
| Jan 2001 | Age | |
| Dec 2000 | Music | |
| Nov 2000 | Wedding Dresses and Tuxes | |
| Oct 2000 | A Curious Phrase | |
| Sep 2000 | Traffic | |
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