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Fun with Stuff was printed monthly in the "I.E.," a publication of Inland Empire Mensa and was nominated for several National PRP (Publication Recognition Program) awards. I am on an indefinite sabbatical from writing the column. |   |
| Month | Topic | Step One: Read like a nerd on brain steroids. Discover that books can introduce you to people, places, ideas, and experiences you would probably not encounter any other way. Learn to love the written word. Step Two: Fool yourself. Say to yourself, “I bet I could write something that is as good as, better than, or different from what I have read. After all, how hard could it be?” Step Three: Override your instincts. When you first sit down to write, your body, brain, and subconscious will tell you that there are many more interesting and important things you could be doing other than writing. This is because your body, brain, and subconscious are smarter than you. They know that writing is quite possibly a complete waste of time. Do it anyway. Step Four: Develop your craft. When you have completed your first article, story, poem, or book, you will undoubtedly be proud. That is, until you read it a month later. Then you will realize what a piece of garbage it is and either rework it or start something new. Developing your craft should consume roughly ten years of your life. Each day during that time, you will learn about one (out of the many billion possible) punctuation and grammar errors you can make. You will be mortified because everything you have created up to that point includes the kind of mistake you have just discovered. You may find that punctuation and grammar become so overwhelming that the very thought of writing a sentence can leave you paralyzed with fear. Eventually, you might be able to produce work that does not make your hair fall out when you go back and look it over, but you will never stop finding ways to screw it up. Step Five: Write query letters and proposals. Unless you know someone in the business, the traditional way to get your work to the attention of editors, publishers, and agents is to send out query letters and proposals. It should take roughly a month to write your first one of these. Most of that time will be spend agonizing over how the people who read it will react. This process involves the vast majority of your insecurities coming to the surface. Step Six: Throw your query letters and proposals in the trash. You are competing against hundreds of thousands of other writers for the attention of a meager supply of agents, publishers, and editors, each of whom is swamped with work from people like you. The reason you might as well discard your query letter or proposal is that the odds of someone taking interest in what you have to offer is just as likely as one of them coming to your house and digging your work out of the trash. When you put it directly into the waste bin, you save on postage. Step Seven: Become obsessed. When you first began to write, it took discipline. Now, you can’t help it. Ideas come to you at two in the morning and you wake up to jot them into a notepad. If your significant other has not left you yet, he or she may roll over and mutter something about being with a “normal person.” You find that you talk about fictional characters you developed as if they were real. The things that are important and things you enjoy take a backseat to getting an idea down on page. Everything you see and experience becomes fodder for your writing. You realize that if you lived to be fifty thousand years old, you would not get everything out of your head and down on paper, especially since your head is always creating new material. This is the step at which many writers become alcoholics. Step Eight: Listen to people who don’t know what they’re talking about. People who have no idea what it is to write will feel inclined to tell you all about your chances at getting published and making money. “Just be persistent,” they say, “and you will succeed,” as if there is some kind of cosmic guarantee that this will happen. They will often point to someone in the writing profession who succeeded after years of rejection, unaware that the success of that person is a complete freak of nature. Keep in mind that the point of such comments is not to give you hope, but to suggest that you are probably doing something wrong. Step Nine: Lose money. Up to this point you have spent huge amounts on postage, computers, paper, ink cartridges, and writer’s conferences. Now, due to chance more than anything else, you may or may not have sold one of your books. If you have, you will still lose money. After a book is sold, you will only get ten percent of your book’s profits, even though you created the content of the book and have poured your heart and soul into it. The rest of the money goes to agents, publishers, and distributors. The ten percent that you do make from your book will go towards publicity, because publishing houses now expect writers to provide their own. Yes, they are taking advantage of you and getting rich off your hard work. Hey, you’re the one who chose to be a writer! Step Ten: Change your personality. Most writers are introverts, but publishers want everyone who writes to be able to go on book tours and appear in the media. Hello! What about “introvert” don’t they understand? Step Eleven: Become bitter. Regardless of whether you have sold a book by this point or not, being bitter is appropriate behavior. Step Twelve: Die in poverty. Go to your grave, uncompensated for a lifetime of work and unrecognized for your genius. If only you had given up writing a long time ago, this could have all been prevented. There is no happy ending. Sorry. 
My 2005 "carpet" column was more recently reprinted (by permission) in Dignity Magazine, a publication based in Mumbai, India. However, they took some liberties with it. Among other things, they changed Sharron's name to Snehal. If you want a good laugh, compare the original column to the reprint, which can be found here.
If you like my column, you might also like Ernie's World, by Ernie Witham. Visit it at: www.erniesworld.com |
| Aug 2008 | Trouble in Store in the Store | |
| Jul 2008 | Five Sides to Every Story | |
| Jun 2008 | When I was a Kid | |
| May 2008 | How to Use this Column | |
| Apr 2008 | The Car and the Cats | |
| Mar 2008 | American Addled | |
| Feb 2008 | Dr. Ratari | |
| Jan 2008 | Fifteen More Rooms | |
| Dec 2007 | Schooling the Pirate | |
| Nov 2007 | The Candle Gang | |
| Oct 2007 | Nuttysystems | |
| Sep 2007 | A Sinking Feeling | |
| Aug 2007 | Problems with this Column | |
| Jul 2007 | Tired | |
| Jun 2007 | Fine Dining | |
| May 2007 | Still Running | |
| Apr 2007 | Patty Melts | |
| Mar 2007 | Medicalitis | |
| Feb 2007 | The Prophecies of Nostril Dumbass | |
| Dec 2006 | X-rayted | |
| Nov 2006 | High Speed Incompetence | |
| Oct 2006 | The Black Nine | |
| Sep 2006 | Quickly Moving Slowly | |
| Aug 2006 | The Trip | |
| Jul 2006 | That's a Medium? | |
| Jun 2006 | Coprolite | |
| May 2006 | Searching for Satellite | |
| Apr 2006 | Fun with the TSA | |
| Mar 2006 | Phased Out | |
| Feb 2006 | News Flash: Man Found Not to Have His Own DNA! | |
| Jan 2006 | Plan B | |
| Dec 2005 | The Christmas Spit | |
| Nov 2005 | Reigning Cats and Dogs | |
| Oct 2005 | DeodoRant | |
| Sep 2005 | The Aquarium of the Pacific | |
| Aug 2005 | Mr. and Mrs. Smith | |
| Jul 2005 | Disneyline | |
| Jun 2005 | Multitasking | |
| Apr, May 2005 | The Carpet | |
| Mar 2005 | The Dentist | |
| Feb 2005 | You, Too, Can Be Famous | |
| Jan 2005 | Finding Things | |
| Dec 2004 | The Last of Christmas | |
| Oct, Nov 2004 | Medieval Dimes | |
| Sep 2004 | The Gourmet Detective | |
| Aug 2004 | Troyball | |
| Jul 2004 | The Real Me | |
| Jun 2004 | A Day Off | |
| May 2004 | The PS2 and Us | |
| Apr 2004 | A Taxing Situation | |
| Feb 2004 | I Woke Up for This? | |
| Jan 2004 | Mystery Dinner Theater | |
| Oct 2003 | The Grand Canyon | |
| Sep 2003 | Champions on Crack | |
| Aug 2003 | The Summer of All Bruce | |
| Jul 2003 | Communications | |
| Jun 2003 | Technical Difficulties | |
| May 2003 | Cinco de Whatever | |
| Apr 2003 | The Cat | |
| Mar 2003 | The House | |
| Feb 2003 | The Frog God of Love | |
| Jan 2003 | The Zipper Incident | |
| Dec 2002 | You Won't Believe It! | |
| Nov 2002 | Comedy Traffic School | |
| Oct 2002 | Temecula, The Land of Temptation | |
| Sep 2002 | The Wreckreational Vehicle | |
| Aug 2002 | The Summer of All Movies | |
| Jul 2002 | The Renaissance Unfair | |
| Jun 2002 | Crazy Water | |
| May 2002 | The Mold Patrol | |
| Mar 2002 | Profundity | |
| Feb 2002 | The Phone Company | |
| Jan 2002 | The Shape of Things | |
| Dec 2001 | Are You a Space Alien? | |
| Nov 2001 | The Psychologist | |
| Oct 2001 | How I Spent My Summer Vacation | |
| Sep 2001 | Something to Write About | |
| Aug 2001 | Controversy | |
| Jul 2001 | The Doctor | |
| Jun 2001 | Bank to the Future | |
| May 2001 | Dividing by Zero | |
| Apr 2001 | ||
| Mar 2001 | Harry Potter | |
| Feb 2001 | Duhsa | |
| Jan 2001 | Age | |
| Dec 2000 | Music | |
| Nov 2000 | Wedding Dresses and Tuxes | |
| Oct 2000 | A Curious Phrase | |
| Sep 2000 | Traffic | |
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