|
|
|
I’ve got clams on my mind. Not literally, of course, that would be weird.
I’m thinking about clams because of clam chowder. I recently had some, but this has not stopped me from craving more. But, for the moment, there are no clams in my immediate vicinity. None are sitting nearby typing at a computer. None are sitting on the sofa in the living room watching National Geographic Specials. If they were, I would have some questions for them. Most likely they would have little to say. Most likely, they would clam up. I didn’t say that to be funny, and if you laughed, there’s something wrong with you. I said, “Clam up,” because I wanted to discuss the origins of that phrase. The origins are pretty obvious, actually. Clams seal up very tightly, like you wish, hope, and pray that many big-mouthed people would. But they never do, no matter how much you desire it. This is not to be confused with the phrases “cowboy up” or “cowgirl up,” which never made sense to me. I doubt they ever will, even if someone were to explain them to me in exacting detail. The same could be said for a sign I passed not too long ago that was posted outside a local church. It said they were going to be holding a “Hallelujah Hoedown.” Again, explain it to me all you want; I doubt I’ll ever get it. Part of the problem is that, while I can imagine Jesus on a donkey, Palm Sunday style, it is hard for me to imagine him on a bucking bronco. It is also difficult for me to imagine a clam on horseback, although not quite as difficult. It would be hard for a clam to ride a horse because clams don’t have hands. The cartoonist John Hart, author of the age old comic B.C., had a running gag in which the various caveman characters talked about what clams have. “Clams got…” they would say, and then they’d describe what clams possess. These were normally things you would not think of clams as having. I think it would have been better if they said what the clams didn’t have, as it would be a much larger set of things. “Clams don’t have CB radios,” is one example. “Clams don’t have Dutch pottery signed by the original craftsman,” would be another. Incidentally, B.C. does not stand for “Before Clams,” nor does it stand for “Bereft of Clams.” It also does not stand for “Bucking Bronco Christ,” because that would require an extra “B.” As I mentioned before, clams clamp down tightly, which makes me wonder if the word “clamp” finds its origins in the word “clam.” And how about the Clampetts from the classic television series The Beverly Hillbillies? Did they, too, find their origins in clams? Were they of the Clampett clam clan? If they had become glamorous, would people have referred to someone who adopted a similar style as being “Clampett clam clan glam?” No one knows for sure, but I propose that we all get together in the mountains and talk about it for a week over campfires and long walks through the wild. We’ll call it summer clamp. Wait a minute! We could have clamfires instead of campfires, and if the Clampett clam clan glams want to join us, they’re free to clamber on up to our clammy climate and collamborate with us. Microsoft Word tells me that collamborate and clamfires are not really words. Like I care. You know what would be cool: If they made spam out of clam! Spam Clam! Or is that Clam Spam? Me and my clammates had Spam Clam at the Clamarama Doo Dah, Clamadingy. Clams! Clams! Clams! Here’s something interesting: The word clamor means to make a lot of noise, which is the opposite of clam up. That’s because the words have different origins. Clamor comes from the French, who are noisy. “Clam up” comes from the Dutch who, just like the rest of the world, think that Americans are loud and obnoxious. Okay, I admit it. I’m just filling space. I wasn’t thinking about clams at all. |
 |