|
|
|
Occasionally, readers of this column will compare me with Dave Barry. “You're just like him,” they’ll say. “You're nothing more than a cheap Dave Barry rip-off, copycat guy. So neiner neiner on you.” They don't say all of that at once, but I can see it their eyes, just to the left of their retinas.
Today, I would like to set the record straight. I have several record albums in my music collection, and my copy of Hotel California is sitting at an angle. I am going to move it into a completely upright position so that it lines up with all the other records. In addition, I’m going to explain why Dave Barry and I are different. 1. I have a goatee. Dave does not. 2. Dave is retired from writing humor, and I am not. In fact, I just released a collection of Fun with Stuff columns that I will probably lose money on, which brings us to point 3: 3. Even though he is retired from writing a regular column, Dave still makes a lot more money than I do. Coincidentally, this is the difference between a lot of people and myself. Also, according to my calculations (and the receipts I could find), approximately $218 of Dave's wealth came from me. I'm thinkin' he owes me. Hey Dave! Buy a copy of my book already! 4. Dave's books have been turned into TV shows and movies. On occasion, my books have been turned into mulch. 5. Dave lives in Miami, Florida where car jacking is frequent, drugs like crack/cocaine are easily accessible, and immigrants from Cuba are common problems, all of which serve as great comedy material. I live in Southern California where people shoot each other from their cars, methamphetamine is the drug of choice, and immigrants from Mexico often make fun of my car while they’re wiping it off at the car wash, somehow turning me into their comedy material. 6. Dave has teenage children. I am “child free.” This means that Dave receives cards on Father's Day, but during the rest of the year, I generally get more respect. 7. Dave is shy. I am introverted. 8. Dave is in his fifties and has more bodily ailments to complain about than I do. I am a young, spry, forty-something who has arthritis, bursitis, high blood pressure, thyroid problems, and hemorrhoids. 9. The age discrepancy accounts for another of the differences between us, which is that Dave does not like Neil Diamond or Barry Mannilow. Back in the day when these artists were considered cool by the younger generation, he was old enough to know better. My inner teenager will never know the difference. Now and then, when Neil Diamond comes on the radio, my inner teenager will shout, in a voice louder than my intellect, “Dude! It’s Neil Diamond! Rock on!” Before I know it, I’m snapping my fingers to “Cracklin’ Rosie” and looking as un-hip as humanly possible. 10. Besides making fun of Neil Diamond and Dave's own namesake, Barry Mannilow, Dave has also made fun of Mensa. He's not in it. I am. Hey Dave! Can you spell “I. Q.”? 11. Many Mensans are unable to resist the urge to make puns. As a result, I make a lot more puns than Dave does—79.8 percent more, to be exact. I could Barry him in puns. Make that 81.2 percent. 12. Mr. Barry frequently used the word “booger” in his columns, whereas I tend to avoid it. I would never resort to such childish humor, as evidenced by the columns where I referenced such intellectual concepts as “yaks with intestinal problems” and “dinosaur poo.” 13. Dave is famous for making up cool band names. Except for “The Italic Squirrels,” “Piso Mojado,” and “Jamitor,” I haven't come up with any. 14. Dave Barry wears pink underpants. I do not. This last bit of information about Dave is unconfirmed. I made it up and have yet to check with my sources to see if it is true, but as far as I know, it could be true. 15. One technique that Dave often used in his columns was to end them by referencing something that he started with. I never do that. So, you see, we're quite different, Dave and I. But, just so you know, I'm not shaving off my goatee. |
 |