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When I was a kid, things were different. We didn’t have any fancy-schmantzy GPS units. If you were driving in your car and you wanted to find out how to get somewhere, you had to use this thing called “a map.” Maps were pieces of paper with diagrams of streets and freeways on them. You couldn’t just tell the map where you were. You couldn’t type anything in. Instead, you had to follow a series of steps to figure out your location. First you would look at streets signs around you. Then you would find the street names on an index, which would give you a set of coordinates (like G-5, for example). The coordinates would point you towards a square on the map, and if you were lucky and persistent enough, you would be able to find your location in that square. After that, of course, you had to figure out where you were going. It was very complicated and sometimes involved the use of a thing called a sextant.
The maps themselves were not easy to operate. They were cumbersome, like another old-fashioned device known as “the newspaper.” Maps were folded very carefully, similar to an origami swan. Unfolding them and then folding them back into their original configuration required a certain skill set that was, according to some people, gender specific. In order to avoid any negative repercussions, I won’t specify what gender was better at folding and unfolding maps. I’ll just say that women didn’t generally need to have the skill because they could always… (insert dramatic pause here because everyone should know exactly where this is going) stop and ask for directions. You kids have it so easy these days… When I was a boy, you couldn’t just snap a picture of something with your phone, you had to have a separate device known as “a camera.” Not everyone had cameras, and the average person didn’t carry their camera around with them except when they went on vacation. Like “the map,” cameras were also complicated. The more advanced ones required a college degree to operate. You had to know about F-stops, apertures, and remembering to remove the lens cap. If you wanted to see the picture you had taken with the camera, you had to pay someone money to show it to you. Otherwise the picture would remain hidden on a roll of chemicals and paper they called “film.” The person who had the secret formula for getting the picture from the film would perform their magic rituals or whatever it was they did, then they would turn around and give you the picture. As we know now, none of this was actually necessary. It was clearly a scam to get your money. Once you had your pictures, there was still work to be done. There wasn’t a way to send the pictures directly to anyone like you do now via your computer or your phone. They had to be delivered by the postman or, sometimes, by donkey. I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, so let me tell you one thing that was better back in the days of yore. Get this: we used to get television for free! That’s right. You didn’t have to have cable or satellite, and you didn’t have pay a bill every month. All you had to do was purchase an antenna, put it on your roof, and run a wire to your TV. After that, all your TV programs came to you automatically. There was never an incompetent repairman who poked holes in the wall of your house and ran unsightly cables along your previously perfect stucco. There were never uncaring, rude, or incompetent customer service reps to deal with. There was just you, your avocado-colored sofa, and the TV. The downside was that there were only ten channels to watch. The upside was that you didn’t have to flip through 300 channels to find there wasn’t anything good on. I realize that all of this may sound too impossible to be true, so if you don’t believe me, ask somebody, or go to the library and look it up in a book. Oh, yeah, I forget; you have the Internet… |
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