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I went to Best Buy recently and picked up a gift card. After purchasing it, I was surprised to see that there were instructions for using the card. The instructions said that you should personalize it (fill in the “message” section), fold the card container in thirds, and then present the card as a gift.
Without these instructions, I am sure that there would be many people staggering around with gift cards asking, “What do I do? What do I do?” I’m grateful that someone took the time to explain the logistics of it all. My friend Jim compared the gift card instructions to the instructions on a weedwhacker that tell you not to use it indoors, or the instructions on an electric razor that tell you not to use it the shower. Technically, we had identified two things: silly instructions and goofy safety precautions. I thought it might be wise to provide both for the benefit of my many readers. Please heed all of the warnings listed below and follow the instructions carefully. Precautions: 1) Do not drink milk while reading this column. This may result in white stuff squirting out of your nose. 2) Do not read this column while sleeping. 3) Do not fall asleep while reading this column. 4) Do not read this column to anyone who is asleep. 5) No not ingest, digest, or repeat any jest contained herein. 6) Do not stab yourself while reading this column or during any depression suffered thereafter. 7) Do not roll illegal substances in this column and smoke them while operate heavy machinery. 8) Do not read this column in any social situation where laughter might be considered inappropriate or during staff meetings. 9) Any psychological evaluation that involves mention of this column should be considered suspect and be reported to the authorities. 10) The surgeon general has warned that it may be dangerous to your mental health to try to make too much sense of items contained in this column. This includes the previous item, number nine, as well as item number eleven and any other item that contains a joke that you do not get. 11) Do not chase a rhinoceros while carrying this column on your person. 12) Attempting to read this column to any large carnivorous animal may result in personal harm. 13) If captured and interrogated, do not admit that you have read this column. 14) Small children should not be exposed to the humor contained herein. 15) Do not juggle live chimpanzees while standing on a beachball. 16) If you should experience a car running into you during the time you are reading this column, please contact your physician immediately. 17) Do not place this column on your head and then pour hot coffee on it. 18) If parachuting while using this column, make sure your chute has opened before proceeding. 19) You might also want to pay attention when you land. 20) Do not run give yourself a papercut with this column. If it is too late, and you have already done so, then stop being a baby. 21) Your eyes should, at no time, come in direct contact with this column. 22) Please wash your hands prior to, and after, using this column. 23) If someone throws this column into an erupting volcano, do not go in after it. 24) Eating this column is not recommended, nor has it been tested by the Food and Drug Administration. 25) Do not live as if this is your last day on Earth because that may cause you to behave irresponsibly. 26) Wear shoes that have strong insoles. 27) If you find that you are dead, immediately stop reading this column until the condition changes. 28) Don’t watch the evening news, because it can make you paranoid. 29) Remember: Comedy and flammable substances do not mix! 30) If, after reading this column, you should feel disoriented, do not be concerned. That is normal. Other side effects may occur. Instructions: 1) Read the column. (You are almost done. I think you’re getting the hang of it.) 2) Laugh, whether you mean it or not. 3) Let me know how funny I am. (Again, sincerity is not important.) 4) Tell everyone else to do the same. Thanks, and safe reading. |
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