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I had to change doctors. The one I had kept asking me to do things that were too hard, like lose weight, eat breakfast, and exercise regularly. It was like he expected me to change my lifestyle or something.
But fortunately, I was finally able to find a doctor I really like. His name is Doctor Ratari. Dr. Ratari has a different approach to things. I told him the stress I sometimes experience on the job, and he said, “You know what you should do? Go have a smoke! I know they say cigarettes are bad for you and all, but heck, so is being miserable inside a claustrophobic office. Get outside. Talk to people. Relax. Have a smoke.” In the lobby of his office there’s a bunch of vending machines with chips, candy bars, and Cokes in them. Vendors come to his office and give him free samples all the time. Instead of scrubs, one of the nurse’s aides was wearing a T-shirt that said, “Eat M&M’s!” When I saw that, I knew I had found a home. Even though I’m not willing to exercise or change my diet in order to lose weight, I am perfectly willing to complain about it. Dr. Ratari seemed to understand this. He nodded in agreement as I talked. When I finished explaining how time consuming and pointless it was going to the store to buy fruits and vegetables that went bad before I had time to eat them, he said. “Yeah, I know. And what do people think, anyway, like you’re gonna live forever? Live a little for cripes sake!” Eventually, though, we did find a diet that was ideally suited to me — the Wienerschnitzel Chili Cheese Dog Diet. I read about it on one of their bags where they refer to it as “A diet that isn’t one.” “I never heard of it,” Dr. Ratari said when I asked him what he thought. “But, it sounds good to me. Hey, a diet is a diet.” When I mentioned my sinus headaches to my last doctor, he told me I should “avoid the triggers.” Oh, okay, I thought. Next time the weather changes, I’ll just move to a planet where the climate remains the same all the time. Doctor Ratari was a lot more practical. “Get yourself one of those big plastic bubbles,” he advised. “It’s a great way to get a lot of sympathy, and nobody expects you to do the laundry.” Yes, he’s wonderful. I love sitting in his office waiting for him and reading the diplomas he printed out on his InkJet. I was surprised to find out that he has a PhB. He’s not wasteful either. Some doctors use needles, bandages, and the paper on their examination tables just one time. Not Doctor Ratari. He recycles! I don’t care that he doesn’t take my insurance, because going to him makes me feel like I’m doing something good for the environment. I asked Doctor Ratari what his opinion was on alternative medical, especially things like magnets and faith healers. He recommended them highly. “Sometimes,” he said, “it doesn’t matter if you feel better. What matters is that you think you feel better.” I thanked him enthusiastically after my last visit in which we discussed my arthritis. He recommended I play video and computer games into the late hours of the night in order to keep my hands limber. “Don’t let that pesky stiffness keep you from having any fun,” he admonished. “And don’t let your need for sleep do it either!” As I was leaving the office, he shouted after me, “Pick yourself up a Three Musketeers on the way out. They’re on the front counter, and they’re free!” “Okay,” I responded, and I wasn’t saying it just to appease him. Yes, for the first time in my life, I was really going to do what the doctor told me to do. |
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