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We have decided to add fifteen more rooms to our house. This is what they will be for:
Computer games Our "office" is not so much an office as it is computer game central. Computer games have the shelf life of bread and so I am obligated to buy them before they disappear, never to be seen again. This way, some year in the distant future, I will have a chance to play them if I want to. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Computers and platform gaming systems Computers and video game systems go obsolete in nanoseconds. Ironically, this unit of time is so fast it wasn't even measurable until there were computers. However, every real man understands that it is a social requirement to keep up to date on the latest and greatest systems, thereby requiring him to purchase additional ones. My old Commodore 64 would be kept in this room. Crafts This room would hold paints, sponges, templates, odd little wood objects, and 50,000 sheets of different colored papers used for scrapbooking. By the way, scrapbooking is out of control in this country. I think it's just a sneaky way to sell colored paper. Toilet paper I like to have toilet paper. It makes me feel secure. Some survivalists have guns and flashlights and water, but I think they are missing the big picture. If there's a nuclear war, I want to have a lot of TP. I betcha I could sell it for a lot of money too, or I could barter it for a gun if I needed one. Stuff for the yard Having a yard requires that you have snail bait, insecticides, grass seed, a mower, a weed-whacker, hoses, trowels, pots for plants, potting soil, and more. Sprinklers will fill up half of this room, as they are replaced pretty much on an hourly basis. The things used to keep a yard going could quite easily fill that yard. Pots, pans, and cleaners Whenever I reach under the sink or into a kitchen cabinet, these items tumble out and hurt me. Kitchens, by default, should be two rooms, not one. Guests Guests go in here. The room is already set up for them. Special feature: it can be locked from the outside. Extra electrical cords Somehow over the years, I have accumulated a collection of stereo cords, extension cords, and phone cords. I do not recall how it happened. I suspect that I was electrocuted when I was working with these cords and have therefore blocked out the memory of how I obtained them. Another mystery is why I continue to buy cords that I already have. Christmas decorations My wife has twelve crates of Christmas decorations. They come out once a year and are slowly returned to storage over the following twelve months as they are found. An extra room would be nice for these. The closet would be used for Halloween and Thanksgiving decorations. Games Big games — like pool tables, air hockey, and pinball machines. This room should have a bar in it too. Everybody needs a room that is pretty much a personal recreation area. Bills For some reason these are piling up. They should be put somewhere where they are out of sight and out of mind. Books Wouldn't it be great to have a room just for books? I think I'd give it a special name. Something like "library." That's a word I just made up. It comes from the latin roots "lib" meaning "space for books" and "rary" meaning "is rare." Clothes that no longer fit This is for both my wife and I. Her because of diets, me because I keep eating. I can't throw those clothes away, though! I might need them for yard work, or for rags, or for packing stuff with. They're very important! Shoes My wife doesn't have half as many shoes as a lot of women. That's why this is only one room. An extra garage This will be used to park our cars in because the main garage is already filled with stuff. A guy at the store tried to tell me that the reason I think I need so many rooms is because I am a crazed, compulsive, materialistic consumer. I pushed him out of the way because he was blocking the bargain bin. "Clear out, buddy," I said, "this is America!" |
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