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Recently, I have received several complaints about this column, and I would like to take this time to lay those problems to rest. The first complaint comes from a bunch of hypocritical complainers who complain that I spend far too much time complaining. My column is always about unhappy things, they claim, such as bad customer service, my sinuses, and people being eaten alive by kitchen appliances.
I tried to explain to these people that that's the joy of writing a humor column - it allows you to look forward to bad things happening so that you can blow them out of proportion and turn them into a hilariously demented romp of self-pity. "But, you can be happy and funny at the same time," they told me. "Try telling more puns. Everybody loves a good pun!" As a result of this, I am changing the format of the column, and this column you are reading right now is the first in a series of one on the theme of "Things Gone Right." This is especially convenient because, this month, not one single bad thing happened to me. In fact, every moment of every day was perfect. Except, that is, for the complaints about this column, which ruined everything. I would also like to demonstrate that I am not an unhappy person by expressing the one thing that I am thankful for. I do this every Thanksgiving - every single Thanksgiving - when I say, "I am thankful that I have hands instead of flippers." And I truly am. Which brings us to the second complaint I have received. Several people have said that this column is not weird enough. When I first started Fun With Stuff, my intent was to be unflinchingly, unapologetically, and unabashedly bizarre. Sadly, I have failed in this. Far too often my column has been relatively normal. Occasionally entire columns have focused on a single topic and have not jumped from random thought to obscure observation like I had originally intended. The column ceased to be the ramblings of a crazed madman and became the ramblings of a sober madman. For this, I apologize, and it will stop immediately. I even titled the column "Fun With Stuff" so that I would be at liberty to write about whatever I darn well please, which is why none of us really know what the next column is going to be like (except for Jane Slickmore, the column psychic, of whom I'm sure you've all heard). By the way, Jane predicts that my next column is going to be something that very precisely coincides with the column title. It will both be fun and about stuff. (That Jane; she's amazing. I wonder how she does it.) In case you do not believe me when I tell you that people have requested that I be bizarre, here are some items that actual readers have suggested I include in columns: Dogs eating plastic coat hangers Frogs with machine guns A chicken that latches onto you and sucks blood I swear to you. This is the truth. One discussion about Fun With Stuff grew deeply philosophical, and resulted in a discussion of the following questions: If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a noise? Does a bear (you know what) in the woods? We concluded that if a bear was in the woods and a tree fell on him, he would, probably do his business right there. Undoubtedly, he would be full of sound and furry. (There's your pun. Are you happy now?) So now you know what I'm up against and what to look forward to in future columns. Next month's topic is "Nothing Bad Happened," and will consist entirely of puns based upon unimaginable circumstances. I'm sure you're looking forward to it as much as I am. Editor's note: the above column is in violation of The Bad Joke Regulation Authority Guidelines. It was our intention to have it removed from the publication, but we were unable to catch it time. We offer our sincerest apologies and request that you do not file legal action. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused. |
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