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The label on my deodorant says that it "goes on clear" and is "invisible." I find it necessary to point out that "white" is neither clear nor invisible. If you paint your face white, does that make you invisible? No. It makes you more obvious, unless, of course, you are standing in a room full of mimes. Did the invisible man paint himself white? No! If that's all there is to being invisible then there'd be a whole heck of lot more bank robberies. Obviously, to the manufacturers of my deodorant, the difference between opaque and transparent isn't very clear. Oh look, I made a pun!
Maybe what the manufacturers mean is that deodorant is invisible because no one can see it when you're wearing it under your clothes. But even then, it's not invisible. It's just out of sight. But hey, I'm not one to quibble. What kills me is that the "invisible" deodorants are actually more noticeable -- more visible -- than your regular "visible" deodorants. They might as well be glittery and fluorescent. They are, in fact, anti-invisible deodorants being marketed as invisible deodorants. Wait! I just figured it out. It's the advertiser's motives that are transparent. There, that's one mystery solved. Now I have to figure out the whole odorless concept. Frankly, I think the idea of something being unscented just totally stinks. I imagine this conversation: Jan: Here. Smell this. Tommy (sniffing): I don't smell anything. Jan: I know. It's odorless! Tommy: Then why did you have me smell it? Jan: So you could see what it doesn't smell like. Tommy: You're insane. Please seek professional help. While we're on the subject of advertising, if an item says "easy installation" on the packaging, you should know, right from the start, that you are being lied to. The only exception to this that I can think of is my deodorant, which also makes this claim. I figure they knew they couldn't make good on the whole "invisible" thing, so they thought they could make up for it by stating something they were sure they could pull off. This got me to wondering if there might be a situation in which deodorant "installation" wouldn't be easy, and it occurred to me that it would be difficult for a one-armed man. But then again, a one-armed man would only have to wear half the deodorant, so maybe it balances out. I'm not sure. Regardless, if they're going to market the deodorant for all of the above reasons, they might as well advertise it as "noiseless" too. "Tired of having important meetings disrupted by your noisy armpits? Stop the embarrassment now! Buy our new silent deodorant! We promise, it won't make a sound." Another option is to come up with a series of deodorants with names like "Sweaty Man," "Woman Who Had a Stressful Interview and Then Jogged Several Miles," or the generic "Smells like B.O.!" They could be odorless and invisible, yet still live up to their names! Here's another one: "Water Reclamation Plant." Heck, if they wanted, they could put bad jokes on the labels (I could write them) and market them under the brand name PUN (Personal Underarm Neutralizer). "The next time you need to make a pit stop, use PUN!" I'll start marketing this idea just as soon as my other products hit the market. Just for the record those products include no-hold hairspray, "for that windblown look" and transparent makeup -- marketed with the slogan, "All that work for nothing." I don't see why there should be any difficulty selling my new products. My idea for jeans that look like they've already been worn was a big hit. You know that guy who sold the emperor the invisible clothes? I think he was onto something. |
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