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The man at the ticket counter laughed when I handed him my driver's license. He didn't laugh because of the inaccurate weight or because of the picture of me without the gray hair. He laughed because of my name. Mr. Smith was purchasing tickets to go see Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
What the guy behind the counter didn't realize is that there is a greater connection between the movie and me than just the name. The movie is actually about me and my wife. Oh sure, Sharron seems like a kindly third grade teacher, and from the way I describe it, I must have the most boring job in the world, but, in actuality, we are paid assassins. I trust that you won't believe this even if I say it's true, which allows my wife and I to continue on with our double lives unhindered. Yet if you take information from many of my previous columns and put all the clues together, you'll see how neatly it all ties in, and maybe then you'll come to realize that this is not as crazy a notion as it may first seem. For example, in the column "The Summer of All Bruce" (August, 2003), I revealed that I had once dated Angelina Jolie. Together we had recovered an ancient artifact that enabled us to travel through time and that had also helped me to resolve some problems with the bank (see "Bank to the Future," June 2001). Shortly after that, Angelina broke up with me, accusing me of "two-timing" her, which gets pretty tricky when time travel is actually involved. If that all seems a little too delusional for you to believe, then focus on the main point: Angelina and I were going out, and NOW she's playing the role of my wife in a movie. Here's something else to consider: In another movie about me, Bruce Almighty, I was played by Jim Carrey. (Again, see "The Summer of All Bruce," August 2003.) In that movie, Jennifer Aniston played the role of my girlfriend, and NOW her former husband, Brad Pitt, portrays me in a movie. In the column "Troyball" (August 2004) I had indicated that Brad Pitt sometimes plays me and that Jennifer Aniston has been known to play the role of my wife (as well as my previous girlfriend). If you keep up with the tabloids, you already know that Jennifer has been replaced by Angelina, and the whole thing comes together in one big tangled drama that, miraculously, does not involve Ben Afleck, Jennifer Garner, or Jennifer Lopez. Although I could easily work them in if you like. Okay, I will. You might also recall that in addition to Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connelly has also played the role of my girlfriend, as she did in the movies A Not-so Brilliant Mind and Hulk (note: the main character's name was Bruce). Do you see the trend? At some point in their career, all good-looking actresses named Jennifer are destined to appear on the big screen as my girlfriend and sometimes as my wife (although Angelina does a much better job). Which brings us back to the true-to-life film, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I don't want to spoil any more of the movie for you than I already have, so I'll just tell you one more thing about it. The musical score for the picture is excellent. It was done by John Powell, who did the scores for The Bourne Supremacy and The Italian Job, but who has never played the role of my girlfriend. He also did the soundtrack to Gigli, for which he won an academy award (not true). Incidentally, that film starred Ben Afleck and Jennifer Lopez who played characters that have absolutely no relation to either my wife or myself. But, returning to Mr. and Mrs. Smith, I thought Mr. Powell's soundtrack for it was so good that I went to go buy a copy, only to find out that the instrumental tracks were not on it. The soundtrack only included "songs" from the movie. I hate it when they do that. So I found the marketing executive who was responsible and then I killed him. Free of charge. A month later, I discovered that two different CDs had been released, one with the musical score and another with songs from the film. Boy, did I feel bad. To add to my misery, I received several complaints from people who thought killing someone was a terrible way to end a column, even though they realized I was doing nothing more than parodying a movie about assasins. This, I felt, once again justified the use of the time travel device that Angelina and I had recovered those many years ago. I went back in time, fixed my column, and, while I was at it, brought the marketing executive back to life. "Sorry. My bad," I told him as he came to. I don't know if he heard me. He seemed a little disoriented. If you don't believe any of this, I won't be offended because, hey, you have your fantasies; I have mine. |
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