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The lady was shouting. Spit flew from her little red angry face. "To the left!" she yelled. "All cars must go to the left!" She was a parking attendant at Disneyland. Long gone are the days when Disneyland employees were hired from those select few personalities who could smile, grin, and be cheerful regardless of the situation. It was a golden era when you could run over an employee's foot and all they would say was, "Sir, I hope you're enjoying your stay at Disneyland. I would like to remind you that your car is on my foot." I miss that. And I miss running over their feet.
One of the biggest complaints you hear about amusement parks has to do with the lines, but that's usually inside the park and not outside the park. On our latest trip to Disneyland, we found the opposite to be true. Outside the park, the lines were three times as long as they should have been, although part of that is because Americans are as twice as big as they used to be. Our first line was for the tram that takes you from the parking lot to Downtown Disney. To get on the tram, a lady in front of us nearly trampled over a young girl. Personally, I like to save trampling little children for important things like, say, "The Indiana Jones Adventure." Immediately upon exiting the tram, we were faced with the security check. The thing about the security check at Disneyland is that it is very similar to the ones they used to have in airports, where all you had to do to get past was point in the opposite direction, and say "Look, a Twinkie!" Then you could rush on by. We watched as people went through the check in front of us. No weapons were found, but the attendant did confiscate a pie. That's right, a pie. The couple carrying the pie were told that outside food and drinks were not allowed in the park. I assume this is because the Disney Corporation is not making enough money. Either way, the lady and her husband gave up their pie to the Disney employee who threw it in the trash and let them through. I didn't think much about this until later when we were in Tomorrowland where there was a trash can roaming the grounds and talking to people in a robotic voice. It looked suspiciously like the trash can the pie had been thrown in earlier. Maybe the trash can at the entrance wasn't real either! Could it be that when it was full, it glided off into the Disneyland employee break room where they split up the spoils? "Hmmn. I wonder what we have for lunch today?" "Hey guys, we get pie!" "And look, here's a roasted ham!" I was beginning to think that the security check didn't have anything to do with security at all. As the employee checked my wife's purse and hungrily eyed my wife's box of Tic Tacs, I breezed on by with my leather jacket in which I carry my ninja outfit, my nun chucks, and my throwing stars. You know... in case of an emergency. My wife and I have annual passes, which you would think would grant us immediate entry. But no, standing in line was required for everyone, so it wasn't until several hours after we arrived at the park that we actually got in. Once inside, it wasn't crowded at all. We figured everyone was still stuck in the security check or waiting for the tram. As for us, we only had enough time left to go on four rides. One of these was the "Twilight Zone Tower of Terror," which I have renamed the "Tower of I'm Afraid I Have to Go to Pee Really Badly." I call it that because whenever we get in line for "The Tower" my wife's bladder magically shrinks to the size of a walnut. This adds an extra measure of suspense to the ride. When I was a kid I used to make jokes about "The Toilet Zone." I'm much more mature these days, but somehow it all ties together. If Rod Sterling were narrating this, I'm sure he would say that I entered a land where the past and the future meet and where the "Twilight Zone" had become one in the same with the "Toilet Zone." Then I would be dropped thirteen stories straight down and I would scream like a little girl. The best ride of the day was "Buzz Lightyear's Astro Blasters," a new ride in Tomorrowland in which there are laser pistols attached to your vehicle, and you get to shoot at targets as you go through the ride. The ride also keeps track of your score. Somebody had a great idea when they came up with this and, frankly, I think it should be added to a lot of attractions. For example, "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh" could certainly use it, as could "It's a Small World." Put a few targets on the heads of those little dolls and it might make it worth having that song stuck in your head for the next three months. I don't think it would work for everything, though. I probably wouldn't recommend it for "Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln." Here's an idea! Why not just give laser guns to people as they enter the parking lot and put targets on all the employees? The whole park would be just one huge game of laser tag and then everything, even the lines, would be fun. This is way better than my first idea, which was to let everyone bring pies into the park and then have a huge pie fight. See, there's a solution for everything. I should be an imagineer. Someday, the Disney Corporation is going to regret the fact that they never hired me. Or not... |
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