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As a humor columnist it is obligatory that, at some time during my life, I write something about the dentist. Up until this point, I haven’t done so because I have the best dentist in the world -- in the real world, that is. If I had the best dentist in the imaginary world, then he would talk to me for a couple minutes, announce that my teeth were perfect, and pay me a hundred dollars just for visiting. I would also get a balloon and a Bullwinkle and Rocky toothbrush kit. But that’s just me.
What makes my dentist so good in the real world is that he both talks and listens to his patients. He is not from the Megalomaniac School of Doctoring and Dentistry (MSDD), which teaches that patients know nothing about their own problems and that they shouldn't be allowed to ask any questions about them either. It was in a conversation with my dentist about a pain on the driver’s side of my mouth (my terminology, not his) that he decided I should go to a specialist. There was a possibility that I might need... a root canal. If the words "root canal" do to you what they do to me, then you might want to go and put on some Depends before finishing the rest of this column. I showed up at the specialist early in the morning and the first thing that I noticed was his diploma hanging on the wall. He had a degree from MSDD. I call him Dr. Whatshisname because I only once saw his face. Dr. Whatshisname asked me a few questions so that he could ignore what I was talking about. I asked him a couple questions, but getting answers from him was like, well... pulling teeth. He went about figuring things out for himself, which he accomplished by poking metal things in my mouth and spraying ice-cold water around until he found a spot where it hurt. Don’t get me wrong. He was very good at this part. He found the painful spot very quickly. I immediately shot up through the roof and out past the Earth’s atmosphere, where I got a great view of the Northern Hemisphere. Then I bounced off the moon, shot back through space, and landed (very precisely) in the dental chair. The doctor was waiting for me with these words: "You need a root canal. We’ll get started as soon as the receptionist discusses financing with you." Like me, you may have heard that root canals are terribly painful. It turns out that the really painful part is the financing. I knew I was in trouble when the receptionist asked me if I was a homeowner. Fortunately, I have insurance, so I’ll be able to eat in a couple months, which works out fine because that neatly coincides with when my jaw will stop aching. I found out from the doctor’s aides, who were allowed to talk to me as long as the doctor wasn’t around, that the procedure would take two visits. They handed me a paper explaining what is involved in a root canal because MSDD graduates are expressly forbidden to ever explain anything to their patients. I won’t share the explanation with you, because frankly, it’s not something you want to read about. A friend of mine says that whenever he gets his teeth worked on, he tries to imagine that he’s a rhinoceros on the African Savannah with his mouth wide open and that there are those little birds picking at his teeth. I tried to imagine the same thing, except it seemed that my birds had needles, drills, sledgehammers, and other instruments that birds should not be allowed to use. The specialist did the work and, a couple weeks later, I went back for more because I enjoyed it so much. When the doctor finished, he ran quickly out of the room. The doctor’s aides raised my chair and announced that I was done. I looked to see where the doctor had gone. "Who was that masked man?" I asked. "I don’t know," the aide answered. "The doctor called in sick today." I nearly leapt out of my chair. "What?!" The aide laughed. "Just kidding!" Didn’t she know that I’m supposed to be the comedian? Now that’s it’s over, I know that I have faced one of my worst fears. I have put something on my credit card without knowing that I would ever be able to pay for it. I can’t wait to get back to my real dentist. We’ll have a little chat, he’ll dig around in my mouth for a bit, and maybe, just for fun, I’ll let him put in a filling. It’ll be a piece of cake, which, now that I mention it, sounds kind of good. But yes, I’ll floss when I’m done. |
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