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I was talking to a co-worker the other day and I said, "The Matrix Spike for Tetrachloraethylene is out of range and the Laboratory Control Sample will need to be requalified."
"Huh?" she said, looking at me blankly. Then she laughed. "Oh, I get it! That’s from our old job." You see, Roxanne, my co-worker, and I used to work at an environmental firm where we handled laboratory data for various government contracts. Now, by coincidence, we both work at a software firm. Instead of telling her about the Matrix Spike for Tetrachloraethylene, I should have told her that the ZTRA pricing condition she was using for the RMA of the Geographical Information System Spatial Analyst product should be replaced with a prepaid incoterm. That would have made a lot more sense, although it’s not half as funny. Roxanne and I both have a distinguished career of working at places that like to use big words. When people ask us what we do, we say, "We use confusing terminology," which sounds a lot better than, shall we say, data entry and customer service. The reason I mention all of this is because Roxanne wanted to be in my column. A lot of people don’t realize this, but that’s all you have to do. Just ask. Oh, you also have to been involved in, or have done, something funny or amazing. For example, on a business trip to a laboratory in Boston as part of our job at the environmental firm, Roxanne and I were involved in a plane crash. As she lay in the wreckage of the plane I rescued her from a bear by asking like a squirrel with rabies (which involves a lot of chittering, drooling, and hopping about). We then survived in the forest for nearly an hour and a half before realizing that we were within walking distance of a Carl’s Jr. and a pay phone. Before Roxanne asked me if she could be in my column she asked me if everything in it really happened. "Absolutely," I said. "It is 100% authentically true." Incidentally, after the plane crash, Roxanne recovered her strength and her super powers and was able to fly us home because, in real life, she is the hero we all know as "Amazing Woman." You’ve seen her in the newspapers, wearing the pink cape and the purple tights. (I realize, Roxanne, that I just gave away your secret identity. But that’s the price of fame.) So, if there is anyone else out there who would like to be in my column and would like me to make up true things about you, please feel free to contact me, making sure to provide any embarrassing information about yourself that you really do not want the general public to know. The rest of you, well, you can continue your waking lives in misery and anonymity, spending the rest of your time doing nothing but data entry and customer service. I would end the column right there, but due to the fact that I am now trying to get it syndicated, the column has to reach a certain word length. Syndication, as many of you know, is where you have gangsters force people to look at your column, thereby increasing your readership. If the syndicate keeps at it for years, you may actually get paid for a column, but this is highly unlikely and is nothing any reasonable person would expect. In order to reach the specified word length, I am going to mention another co-worker who thought it would be funny if I mentioned Roxanne in my column but really had no desire to be in it herself. Her name is Rebecca Tanouye. And, no, I do not know how to pronounce her last name. Although, it is rumored that if you say, "Tanouye" while in the jungle, monkeys will run up and try to get food from you. The phenomenon remains unexplained. In certain bars in Hawaii, saying, "Tanouye" will get you a free drink. Again, no one knows why, and it is made even more remarkable by the fact that Rebecca is not Hawaiian. All of this is verifiable fact. Don’t you forget it. Well then, we’ve reached our word limit, and this column is now complete and ready for the mobsters. For which, I’m sure, everyone involved is grateful. |
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