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I hate to tell you this, and I know that there are a lot of people who will ignore me no matter what I say, but the truth must be known. There is -- you're going to find this hard to believe -- no Santa Claus. That’s right, Santa Claus does not exist.
Yes, I know your parents were very convincing, and you’ve probably found Christmas presents with your name on them under a tree at one time, and you may have even seen Santa on a street corner or in a mall somewhere, but I’m telling you, it’s a trick. I just found out myself, so it’s still a bit of a shock even to me. There were clues, sure, but I never paid much attention to them. Like that one year I forgot to give my wife a present, I figured "Hey, Santa will cover it." Christmas morning came and there were no presents! I couldn’t believe Santa didn’t get her anything. Neither could my wife. Boy, that wasn’t a very good Christmas. I didn’t blame Santa, though. I figured my wife was just on the "naughty" list. Then there were all those logistical problems that people would mention occasionally: How could Santa fly all over the world in one night? How could he fit down a chimney after eating all those milk and cookies? I had an answer for that too: quantum physics. I knew nothing about quantum physics, which was great because then I could use it to explain anything. The flying reindeer thing was a little problematic, but heck, cows can fly in a tornado. And if they can do that, surely reindeer can fly in a winter storm. There’s even a clue in the name of the holiday. Kris Kringle is a myth. It’s Krismyth! Get it! You know how I found out that Santa didn’t exist? Someone told me. I couldn’t believe it at first. But then I thought about it for a good long time, and I put all the facts together. I’ll never be able to prove it, of course. Just like you can’t prove that Tinkerbell’s invisible twin sister Maribelle isn’t following me around because she has a secret crush on me. Don’t even try it because she’s not detectable by scientific means! (A guy’s gotta believe in something. That’s what I say.) I know how you’re feeling right now, probably sad and disillusioned. If you're not feeling angry, the anger will come. You might even feel the urge to strangle that little plastic elf on your front lawn and throw it into the neighbor’s pool with a length of Christmas lights around its neck. Maybe that’s just me. Regardless, try not to feel too bad. There are a lot of people just like us who have been fooled too. Just don’t tell them about the Easter Bunny. They’ll never believe that one. |
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