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Inland Empire residents are familiar with the Renaissance Fair that is held every year in Glen Helen. However, not everyone has heard of the Renaissance Unfair, an event designed for the single purpose of illustrating the lesson that life is not fair.
The Renaissance Unfair is open to everyone. Rich people can get in for a piece of cardboard or a wad of gum, whereas the cost of admission for those on welfare is $5000. If you're wondering what kind of attractions one might find at the Unfair, I have provided descriptions of several of them below: Jousting: A knight on a stallion does battle with a midget, who is armed with a twig and rides a three-legged mule. I can hear the sounds of it now: the blaring of trumpets, the sound of hooves running across the ground, a thud, and a mild smattering of applause. The "Good Things Happen to Good People" Fun House: While making your way through the mirror maze at the start of this attraction, your behavior is monitored by a team of psychiatrists who determine whether you are basically a good person. If you are not a good person, you can get through the fun house in approximately two minutes. If you are a good person, the floor will drop out from under you, you'll land in a room where you are spun around until nauseous, and then you’ll be beaten with rubber clubs. As a finale, a clown will spray you down with a firehose while yelling, "You get what you deserve!" Games: Every fair has its midway. The Renaissance Unfair has "Rip-off Row." "Rip-off Row" would feature games of chance under banners that say, "Lose Your Money Here!" "The Odds Are Against You!" and "Go Home Broke and Miserable!" It works in Vegas, why not here? The "Everything that Goes Around Comes Around" Merry-go-round: People who believe that life is fair are fond of saying, "Everything that goes around comes around." This ride is designed to dispel that belief by not allowing anyone to make a full circuit. You get on, it goes about three-fourths of the way around, and the ride operators throw you off. As a final punctuation to the lesson, the ride operators will often yell, "Ha!" while they throw you face first into the dirt. The line for this attraction is an hour and a half long and taking cuts is permitted. News on the Big Screen: Still believe that life is fair? Enter the "News Theater" where you can watch network news on a 200 foot tall movie screen. The presentation is in Dolby Surround Sound. No pregnant women, people with back problems, or small children are allowed. Psychics: The palm readers tell everyone that their lucky number is 19 ˝, but the last time it will ever be lucky was last week. The tarot card readers tell all the married people that they will soon meet the lover of their dreams. Those who leave the Renaissance Unfair still certain that life is fair, that karma works, and that justice will always be served, will find happiness in their denial. Those who get the message are punished for their intelligence by having to live with the harsh truths of reality. Doesn't seem fair, does it? |
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