|
|
|
I like snorkeling because it's a funny sounding word. Going out into the water and actually using a snorkel is a different, however. For one thing, the second you put a snorkel in your mouth and a diving mask on your face, you get big fat puffy Angelina Jolie lips. Angelina is, apparently, the only person who looks good with her lips.
The second problem with using a snorkel is that water gets in it. I'm told that in order to clear the snorkel, all one needs to do is exhale sharply causing a blast of white mist to shoot from the snorkel like the spray from a dolphin's blowhole as it gracefully arches through the air. I have tried this "exhaling sharply" trick and have concluded that if I were Flipper, I would be dead. Quick quiz: Which word is funnier? A) Snorkel B) Blowhole Learning to snorkel was part of my training when I became a certified scuba diver. Becoming a certified scuba diver enables all your diving friends to ask you if you are certified and then laugh when you respond with a yes. "Aha ha ha," they laugh, because the implication is that you are certifiably crazy, rather than certified as a diver. I respond to this by saying "With friends like you, who needs anenomies." I leave these encounters feeling triumphant, because in my own little world, in which I make all the rules, one old bad pun wins over an implied insult by five points. I have several memorable scuba diving experiences. One that always comes to mind is the time my diving buddy swam up to me and flapped his arms like he was a chicken. I held my hands up and tilted my head to the side, which is the universal diving signal for "Why are you flapping your arms like a chicken?" My friend pointed behind us. I looked, but didn't see anything. Later, when we surfaced, I came almost face to face with a sea lion. "That's what I was trying to tell you about," said my friend, "I saw a seal!" "I thought you were trying to tell me you saw a chicken," I said. "Why would I tell you I saw a chicken? There aren't any chickens in the ocean." "Right," I agreed. "That's why I thought it was strange." The conversation went on from there, but as a result of it, I gave my friend a board and a pen designed for writing underwater. Unfortunately, his handwriting and drawing skills are poor, so we went from playing Ocean Charades to Ocean Pictionary, which is even more difficult to play because it's hard to yell underwater. Techniques for this are taught in advanced diving classes where is also where I had the chance to do a deep-sea dive to see some sunken boats that were 95 feet below the surface off the coast of Catalina Island. I was having a little trouble with my buoyancy compensator (B.C.) on that trip. The B.C. is an airbag that divers wear. It is filled or emptied of air at different depths so that the diver does not sink to the bottom or float to the top. My B.C. had a leak in it. So about 80 feet below the surface, I filled it up, and because of the leak, I filled it up some more, and then found myself shooting towards the surface like a cork shot out of a dolphin's blowhole. My diving partner said he looked around and wondered, "Where did Bruce go?" Then he looked up and saw me zipping upwards. He later told me that he wondered what the heck I was doing. I told him I saw a seal. The descent is the hardest part of the dive. I had to do it all over again, but that that's what I get for overcompensating. The thing I enjoy most about scuba diving is how hungry it makes me, and how good food tastes after I have been swimming for a couple hours. My theory is that this is why whales are so big; they swim all day, and then at night they order huge pizzas with lots of anchovies. They also play Ocean Pictionary. Why doesn't Christian Riese Lassen ever paint that? I envision a scene similar to the infamous poker-playing dogs, and I would love to see it on black velvet. These days I don't dive much, but occasionally I do throw on the mask, snorkel, and fins and walk around the house -- the fins "thwip, thwip, thwipping" against the carpet. Sometimes our guests look at me funny. I don't see what the problem is. I'm certified. But hey, you knew that already. |
 |