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This month's column was inspired by Dr. Margaret Homan-Wong's question, "That is what I did with my summer, what did you do with yours?"
Some of my activities this summer were covered in past columns. In June, I traveled back in time to convince a bank that I was who I said I was. In July I learned from my physician, Doctor Mama, that I am a space alien, and in August I learned about evolution. What else did I do this summer? Well, I got in shape by working out with a combat android in my own personal mansion. Then I traveled to a temple in the jungle where I recovered an ancient artifact that enabled me to control time. Several people have asked how I was able to travel back in time because they thought that such knowledge might be useful when dealing with their own financial problems. Now you know. This ability to travel through time also enabled me to go to the future, where I was able to defend the Earth against aliens who were imbued with the life force of another planet, and thereby gain insight into my own alien tendencies. My studies of evolution were also enhanced by another trip to the future where I learned that, as a result of genetic engineering, monkeys had evolved to take over the planet. As if that weren't enough, I also went to Harvard and got my degree, solved a murder trial, and learned from my grandmother, Julie Andrews, that I was the Princess of Genova. And this one time, at band camp... Well, never mind. The astute reader may observe that some of the things I did this summer may sound suspiciously like the movie plots of various summer blockbusters. Such a reader would be correct, but that's the beauty of not being able to distinguish between fantasy and reality -- it enables you to feel a lot more productive than you really are. Perhaps one of the hugest obstacles I encountered this summer was finding enough money to pay for all the popcorn I ate. In order to do so, I had to plan an elaborate caper to steal a scepter from a high security facility in Canada. I'm glad that the autumn months are upon us because soon my summer vacation will be out on video. I'll also have a chance to rest up and get ready for that long trip to Mordor that I'm going to start in December. I wonder if that ring of invisibility I found will be any use in dealing with the bank? |
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