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The great thing about me is that I can talk about really controversial subjects without saying anything offensive or important at all.
Take smoking for example. All I know about smoking is that I shouldn't be allowed to do it. I'll smoke a cigarette once every couple of years just to remind myself that I can't stand the taste. The last time I tried this was at lunch when I was eating fish out of a cardboard-like container. When I was done with the cigarette, I mashed it into the lid of the box. The box caught on fire. Flames shot up. I am a danger to myself and others. Fortunately, I was able to put out the fire with a large dollop of tarter sauce. This worked so well that I called up the fire department and told them that maybe they should use tarter sauce as a tool in their continual battle against fire. It would work especially well, I told them, for large ocean fires. That way, any fish that failed to escape the fire would be ready to serve up for dinner. The fireman that I talked to thanked me for the suggestion, but told me that it was already in place. In addition, he told me that the red stuff they pour onto forest fires out of airplanes is actually ketchup. He wanted me to know that just in case I thought of it later and decided to call them up again. Those guys at the fire department are all right. Evolution is another controversial topic that I know nothing about. I only recently became interested in it, so I ordered a copy of Charles Darwin's The Origin of Species from the bookstore. They called me when it arrived and I went down to pick it up. The lady behind the counter handed me a small blue booklet, which turned out to be a copy of a play called The Origin of the Species, which is by some guy whose name I do not know and whose name I do not feel obligated to remember because it was not THE BOOK I ORDERED! I pointed this out to the lady behind the counter, who was very nice and also not the lady who had ordered the book. I could tell this because she was very nice. "Who was that book by again?" she asked me. Nice, yes, but not up to date on her science. That's okay. "By the way," I wanted to ask her, "can I order a copy of Romeo and Juliet by Bob Schnively. While you're at it, I'd also like to purchase War and Peace by Lena Montego. Could you also, maybe, order me a copy of Dirwin's Oregon of the Species? Dirwin, as you know, is Darwin's lesser known brother, and his theory is that all species of animals came from Oregon, shortly before all the grunge bands came down from Seattle." I don't know how it happened, but all of a sudden I was in the middle of Monty Python's bookstore sketch. In conclusion I would like to say that if primordial fish had caught on fire they would not have been able to evolve. I realize that if I go for too long without being opinionated that eventually people will wonder if I'm really a Mensan, so next month, I'll cover the topics of religion, politics and the treatment of minorities. I'll really really try to say something controversial, but I can't promise anything. |
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