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I recently finished reading the fourth book in the popular Harry Potter series, so I said to myself, "Hey! Wouldn't it be funny if Harry Potter suddenly realized that the whole thing had been a hallucination?" With that thought in mind, I rewrote the last chapter of the first book. In it, someone has to explain to Harry that his adventures were all a marijuana-induced trip. Here it is, the final chapter of Hairy Pothead and the Sorcerers -- Stoned:
"You mean it wasn't real?" "No, Hairy. It wasn't." "But what about the magical train to Hogwarts?" "That was the bus. You only took it one day." "What about Hagrid the caretaker?" "That was the school janitor. You'd get stoned with him in the outhouse at the construction site by the school." "I thought that smell was Hagrid and his pets." "Nope. That was the outhouse." "You're telling me... that I didn't win a game called Quidditch and that there weren't crowds of people cheering for me." "Sorry, Hairy. You were playing dodgeball, and you sucked. You were an easy target because you were stoned. Every time someone would hit you, you would yell "Quit it!" You did it so much that that everybody started calling dogdeball, "Quit it." Those people you thought were cheering - they were laughing." Hairy looked distraught. "Okay, okay..." he said, "But what about the three-headed dog?" "That was real." "Huh?" "Yeah, it's a genetic mutation. You kept trying to steal the newspaper from it." "Oh." Hairy thought for a moment and said, "Why did I believe all this? It seemed so real." "It was the pot. Pot makes you stupid." "So I've been living in a fantasy world?" "Yup. You sure have." "But now that I'm not smoking pot, how am I going to cope with all of it? My adopted family treats me like crap, and I'm not really good at regular school work." "Reality is hard, Hairy. You'll have to figure that out for yourself." "Damn. I sure could use a hit right now." "Hairy!" "Yeah?" "Deal with reality." Hairy hung his head, got to his feet and walked back into the heart of suburbia where he would spend the rest of his childhood. The years ahead would be much different then the past year. They would probably be much more difficult. As he walked, he raised his head and looked around him. He realized that he now saw the world more clearly then he ever had before. There was something to be said for that. Right then, Hairy resolved to take on this new world. It might not always be magical, but that didn't keep it from being challenging and interesting. Besides, he wasn't one to give up easily. |
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