Today's Topic: Duhsa

When I received my first Mensa membership card in the mail, I said to myself "Yay! I'm smart!" When I went to put the card away, I realized I had lost my wallet, and I said to myself, "Bruce, you're an idiot." I live with this dichotomy every day. One second I'm brilliant, the next I'm, er, non-smart. I'd venture to say that this applies to other people besides me. Many of us (again, I'm generalizing and speaking about no one in particular) do stupid things at one time or another, especially my friend Roger.      That's why I'm starting up a little club called "Duhsa," which is open to everybody.      Duhsa: because everybody does stupid things.      It's pretty easy to get into Duhsa; you just have to fail the entrance exam, which is based on the fact that people with all kinds of intelligence (including spatial, mathematical, verbal, and emotional intelligence) seem to have trouble filling out forms correctly. Here is the exam in its entirety:      What is your name?      That's it. You get to take it twice, just so you have a fair chance. I failed both times. The first time I spelled my name wrong. (I spelled it "Brus" just like I had seen the hostess at a restaurant spell it.) The second time, I cheated and copied off the guy next to me. His name, apparently, was a social security number. If you still doubt that I am qualified to be a Duhsa member, take these facts into consideration:      Fact 1) I have been known to get into the driver's side of a car and with my right hand, slam the door on my left hand. Apparently the two sides of my body were not communicating at the time they did this. Since that time, they have flat out refused to talk.      Fact 2) I once wrote a check for the entire balance of my checkbook to the Mobil Oil Corporation. Helpful tip: do not drink wine when paying your bills.      Fact 3) When I was young (and that is my only excuse) I left a car on an uphill incline, with the engine running and without putting the car in park. Shortly after I got out of the car, it (surprise!) started rolling down the hill. I chased the car part of the way down the hill, possibly thinking that I could stop it with my bare hands and thereby impress Lana Lang. I failed to do either. At the bottom of the hill, the car swerved and slid into a tree, becoming wedged under a huge tree limb. The ground underneath the car was dirt, so when I got in and tried to drive it, I only succeeded in producing a rooster tail of dirt. This happened out in the boonies and the only thing I could think of was to walk two miles to a store, buy an axe, and return to the scene of my stupidity to chop the tree limb off. Fortunately, it worked, and once again I was free to drive the streets and endanger the lives of others.      I am not only the Duhsa president; I am also a member.      I figured that Duhsa could have annual gatherings once every four years. We could also hold regional gatherings for everybody in the county. Topics for seminars include, "I watch daytime television even though I know better," "Where are my keys?" and "Speling."      The purpose of Duhsa? To figure out why it is that every time I start feeling arrogant, I turn around and do something so idiotic that it undermines any credibility or appearance of intelligence I may have established. Is there some cosmic mechanism set up to keep me eternally humble? Duhsa has funded a foundation to study this and other questions. The foundation consists of many highly paid philosophers who sit around and debate these topics without ever reaching any conclusion.      If any of this sounds good to you and you'd like to join Duhsa, please mail me some cash. I recommend sending it in a clear plastic sandwich bag so I can see immediately how much money I'm getting. And don't forget to put your name, address, social security number, and birthdate on the bag, so I can thank you for contributing to our cause.