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Death and taxes -- two painful facts of life. Dresses and tuxes -- two painful parts of what I like to call the "wedding gauntlet." My wife and I were married this past June and maybe this will give you an idea of what it we (okay, she) went through. Perhaps you can relate.
What it takes to order a wedding dress 1) Go to a minimum of twenty stores and look at dresses. Deal with rude clerks who tell you that no matter how far in the future your wedding is, you should have started shopping earlier. "You’ll never get a dress by the year 3000," they’ll tell you. "You should have started planning years ago." (Interesting fact: if you are female and your father is an obnoxious car salesman, you are twenty percent more likely to become an obnoxious bridal shop attendant.) 2) Find the perfect dress. 3) Find out that it too small for you and cannot be re-sized. 4) Repeat step one. 5) Find the perfect dress. 6) Find out that someone bought it an hour ago and they have it on hold. 7) Consider having someone make a dress for you. 8) Look at patterns. 9) Find a pattern you like. 10) Shop for and purchase the material for the dress itself, as well as the sleeves, slip, train, and gauzy parts. 11) Get in a fight over artistic issues with the lady who was going to sew your dress. Decide you’d rather buy a dress instead. 12) Repeat step one. 13) Find the perfect dress that, of course, will need some alterations. 14) Schedule a fitting that allows you enough time to find the shoes and the strapless bra that you will wear with the dress. 15) Look for a strapless bra. 16) Find the perfect bra in a catalog. 17) Call the catalog store and find out that the bra is no longer being made. 18) Give up and go shopping for shoes. 19) Get in a fight with the groom over whether you should have open-toed or close-toed shoes. 20) Trip and sprain your ankle while trying on high heeled shoes. 21) Find shoes you like. Have them and your ankle brace dyed so that they will match the exact color of your wedding dress. 22) Find a bra on Bras.com. 23) Order the bra. 24) Receive the bra in the mail on the same day that a friend gives you a bra that she had left over from her wedding. Discover that it is exactly the same as the one you ordered. 25) Shop for a veil. 26) Fly to Arabia and purchase a veil there because they are the veil experts. 27) Ride a camel back to the plane. 28) Have your dress fitted. 29) Go to psychological counseling because the fitting was held in a glass booth in the middle of the mall. 30) Have the dress cleaned. 31) Spill wine on the dress. 32) Have the dress cleaned. 33) Rent a safe to have the dress stored in. 34) Find a purse to match the dress. 35) The day before the wedding, transfer the contents of your regular purse into the wedding purse. Lose your license in the process. 36) Go to the DMV for a new license. Discover that DMV clerks aren’t so bad after all, now that you’ve spent all that time dealing with dress shop clerks. 37) Put your new license in the wedding purse. 38) Tada! You are done. What it takes to order a tux: 1) Walk into the store and say, "I’d like a tux." That's it. |
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