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My friend Bob and I were on the 91 freeway when he asked, "What do you think would be a good alternate source of transportation for Southern California residents?"
Without hesitation I answered, "Submarines." "Submarines? Why Submarines?" "Because," I said, "submarines are cool." After that, Bob didn’t really want to talk about it anymore, but that’s okay because I don’t really need other people to have conversations. It’s no secret that traffic in Southern California is bad. If somebody has been trying to keep it a secret, they’ve been doing a terrible job. Not too long ago, traffic was so bad on the 91 that several beavers had time to build a dam that prevented all further progress. It took Cal Trans several weeks to remove the structure. Fortunately, the LAPD, in its desperate search for recruits, hired the beavers and put them to work doing crowd control. One of the beavers was recently promoted to Desk Sergeant. Regardless of how bleak the traffic situation seems, I always try to look on the bright side. That is why I always say, "At least we don’t live in San Francisco." In San Francisco, not only do they have bad traffic, but they also don’t have any parking. So even when you do get to your destination, you can't really get out of your car. Parking in San Francisco is like one huge game of musical parking spots where you go around in circles trying to find parking, and they keep taking the spots away one by one. I was recently in Bakersfield, and I as was talking to a guy there, I asked him what he was doing in Bakersfield. "I parked here so I can go to a museum in Golden Gate Park," he said. "I decided I’m just going to walk." Alcatraz, by the way, was originally built to house parking offenders. Not too many people know that. San Francisco has done two things to help fix the traffic and parking situation. They’ve set up the highly effective Bay Area Rapid Transit system, also known as "BART." The folks in the Fresno area were so impressed with it that they decided to adopt a similar system. Of course, they’re going to have to come up with their own acronym. San Francisco also has a bus system, which is helpful because the buses run down pedestrians who, potentially, could be driving cars. You’re probably wondering by now if I’m ever going to actually say anything rational. Nope. Welcome to my column. Here’s an alternative transportation mode: mule trains. They’d be great because you’d always have an excuse for being late to work. Boss: That’s the third time this week you’ve been late! You: Yeah. I’m sorry. It’s those damn mules. Alright... I guess I’ll just have to keep thinking about it. Fortunately, I have some extra time. You know, during my commute. |
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